Sorrow and joy..

I am adding a post to my blog after nothing for two years. My health has slowly but steadily improved. Not without bumps in the road; challenges from the damage the disease had on my organs; but over all improving.

I mentioned to a friend that this year I actually was living, not surviving, but living.
I am five years out from the stem cell transplant. My expiration date has come and past. They told me that I might have 3-5 years of life after my stem cell transplant, if I survived the transplant.

I continue to have a large number of tests done every three months because "the disease will awaken" and they want to be right on top of it when it does. My last numbers were the best in five years!

The past year and a half I have watched 3 friends about my age get diagnosed and pass away from cancer. With each one I have been fraught with survivor's guilt. "Why me"? and  not them?
They were all good ladies, much better than I. Yet I remain and they are gone.

The past nine months a sweet young man who I became acquainted with Brendan Peck was diagnosed with a rare brain cancer which then reoccurred as bone cancer and metasized to his bones and everywhere. He passed away today. In my visits with him, I was amazed at the knowledge and faith he had. He so graciously thanked me and asked me to please come back to see him because it was so nice to visit with someone who understood things.

He was so gracious and concerned about all of his visitors.
I had some inspiration from time to time on the fact I needed to visit him, and even what I needed to talk with him about. Silly me thought that perhaps I was helping him in some way.  As I reflect back now, my visit with him filled me.

My heart is extremely sad for his passing, but I am so grateful he isn't suffering anymore. I feel so very sad for his family and their loss of this amazing son.

I think back to the many many wonderful things that happened on my journey and remembered I said, "I would do it all over again because of what I had experienced and learned".  The good, the spiritual, the growth, the testimony I gained all outweighed the hard times and the pain.

I know that the Peck family have had some pretty amazing things happen too. In time, I hope they find joy in their memories.

I am so grateful that I was asked to substitute for a sister to teach her Relief Society lesson this weekend. I haven't taught a lesson for over five years and then it was to the primary children. It has been over 10 years since I taught adults.  It is very scary for me.  I have studied and prayed about it diligently. The topic is so very dear to my heart, "The enabling power of the atonement".

As I was reading in the Book of Mormon last night, thinking of adding a scripture to the lesson this hit me right between the eyes.
Mosiah 24: 14-15  this is when the people of Alma are in bondage to the Lamanites and they are being persecuted terribly by  Amulon and are going to be put to death.
The Lord tells them this:  "I will ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage: and this will I do that YE MAY STAND AS WITNESSES FOR ME HEREAFTER, and that YE MAY KNOW OF A SURETY THAT I, THE LORD GOD, DO VISIT MY PEOPLE IN THEIR AFFLICTIONS.
And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did STRENGTHEN them that they could bear up their burdens with ease and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord".

I felt and I know of a surety, and I have even testified that I know I was to "stand as a witness of the Lord's love and power". Those were my exact words!! This passage doesn't tell me exactly why I am here, but it does tell me what I am to do.

I don't have survivors guilt today. I have sorrow and yet I have joy.
Oh how wonderous is the Lord Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father.